Slamming doors

My verse right now is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." My future right now is sort of up in the air. Right now I'm the director of the preschool where my precious Anna Banana attends. I intentionally took that job so I could spend more time with Anna before she starts "big" school. I am so glad I made that decision although I have come against a lot of struggles. Some small and some pretty big that have had me questioning decisions I have made. I know looking back ten, twenty years from now I will be so thankful that I made the decision to be with my daughter more before she has to go to school. And I know God is faithful but never did I dream two years ago when I decided to quit my teaching position would I face so much opposition from satan. He has had me second guessing so much and I'm sick of it.

Satan hates families. He hates when families try to become stronger and he uses just about every weapon he has to try and destroy families left and right. Our family is strong. Not because of ourselves but because of our God. He has shown me a lot about myself in the last year and half. A lot of it I don't like at all about myself. But that is good. It is only when we take an honest look at ourselves and our shortcomings can God change us and make us more like him. Our family has a lot of growing to do to be more like him but we are taking steps in that direction. One is through our finances. We had it pretty easy when I was teaching. We had plenty of money for bills and for playing. That isn't the case now but God is showing himself faithful. Every month we have the money to pay our bills and while we don't have much money at all to play with, it has been good to see how much we don't need that we think we do. So when God changes our financial situation for the better, I hope he finds us faithful to use that money to further his kingdom and not our pocket books.

Another thing God is teaching me is to be humble and content. Not saying I'm perfect or even close in these two areas but I think I'm learning. I can look around at others who have more finances and more "toys" and it is easy to let envy slip in and destroy and steal contentment...but God has been good to continue to remind me of how blessed we actually are. Joy doesn't come from earthly toys but from endless laughter from my daughter when we are playing and having a good time at home, when my little family is snuggled on the couch watching the latest Tinkerbell movie or just going on a drive and looking at God's beautiful creation.

Now the struggle for me is letting faith and not fear guide my future. My sweet Anna Banana is getting ever so close to starting "big" school and I feel my time at the daycare is coming to an end as well. I figured my move was to go back to teaching. I would get my old income back, be on the same schedule as Anna and it would work out great. So far ....SLAMMING DOORS. I don't understand it. I have had a couple of leads and the door has shut on all of them. Satan is using fear and an individual of which I won't name to try and scare me that I won't be able to get a job. But my God is stronger, My God is bigger and My God is greater than any other. It isn't easy and I have spent a lot of time crying and letting fear try to guide me but that isn't what I'm called to do. I'm called to walk by faith and not by sight. It is not for me to understand but to trust in God, acknowledge him in everything and let him direct me. Please pray that is what I let God do.

Waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel

Man it feels like things are only getting worse. I was hoping when I wrote my last post that the next time I posted it would happy and cheery and all about "life is good" but that just isn't the case right now. It feels like we are being attacked on just about all sides. We never make New Year's resolutions but for some odd reason this year we did. It was to get some debt paid off and use more of what God has given us financially toward His kingdom. Let me just tell you now satan has tried all year to throw that resolution off course. It is so frustrating when every time you turn around something else is hitting you upside the head.

A couple of weeks ago there was some hope that things were about to change and change quickly for the good but unfortunately that didn't pan out. Very frustrating when you have been praying for release from some hard and very bad situations but then it doesn't happen. I know God is good and I know Jeremiah 29:11. It seems like so many well meaning Christians are quick to quote that verse ("I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you.....") when you talk about struggle and hard times. But the truth that many "well meaning" Christians forget or just don't want to mention is that the bible also promises "In this world you will have troubles".....many many troubles. I know our troubles could get a lot worse and we aren't promised that they won't. It is what do you do in the midst of those troubles that really counts. Me....I'm crying out to the Lord A LOT!!! It is all I can do right now. Many people would want you to put a smile on your face and "fake" happiness. I don't think that is what the Lord wants. He wants us to be honest with one another and encourage one another and lift one another up in prayer and if we are "fake happy" all the time, how can we truly do that.

So right now I cry out and wait on the Lord........that is what my faith and scripture tell me to do. I'm waiting for that light at the end of this very very long tunnel.

Need to vent

I don't even think I can call myself a blogger anymore since it has been 6 months since I last updated. I can't blame being tired or not having time just haven't updated. I did get a new laptop because my old one died and the picture program to get the pictures off the camera and on the computer never got transferred and well to be honest how many people read. Most are just interested in the pictures. So warning there will be no pictures posted until my husband gets the program transferred. Don't know if that'll happen.

The reason I'm posting is just because I'm frustrated with everything and need a place to vent and I don't think anyone is reading the blog anymore so here I go.........well that 's the problem really don't know where to go. Everything in our life is unsettled right now. I don't like that feeling AT ALL. Scott and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary and that also marks my 8th year of living in Mississippi and I don't like it anymore now then I did then. But my husband is in a secure job and can retire in 7 years so he isn't planning on going anywhere for the next 7 years so here I sit stuck for at least 7 more years UGH. After 8 years you would think I have this great base of friends to be a support group but NOPE. I have friends but we all lead such busy lives and I would rather most days come home after my job and just be at home and quiet. We live in a house that was supposed to be our first starter home....here for 3-5 years but about to celebrate our 7th year here and Lord knows how many more years we have. I think we'll be in this house five years from now. At least we have a home but about a month ago we decided to sell and well we did fix some things up but since then NOTHING. We haven't done anything. My job- don't get me started - could possibly be one of the biggest mistakes I have made in a long time. But don't know what else to do. Even frustrated in our church situation. Not the churches fault- Godly church with great people just not plugged in anymore. One of the biggest ones for me is I want more children. God has blessed us richly with Anna. Thank you Lord for her but I want more. The only way I see that happening is going into foster to adopt but Scott says NO. So what do I do with this aching for more and no possible way for more children??? Easy to read this and say stop complaining. I know I HATE WHEN PEOPLE COMPLAIN. I hear people complain all the time about how horrible their lives are and then they go to the beach or a Disney vacation or go buy a new car or a bigger house. Are people so self centered and selfish that they think only good things should ever happen to them? What is frustrating is when all the small junk just keeps going and going and going and never gets better and there isn't the option of going on the dream vacation or buying the shiny new car or the $100 shoes. When the daily grind is bad and doesn't get better.

Okay so if you are reading you are probably thinking, "you've got nothing to complain about." Let me stop you and say you are probably right. God has been good to us. He has given us a sweet little girl who we love with all our heart. He completely healed her of an unhealable disease. He has given us a home when millions around the world are homeless. He has given us income when many don't have anything. I don't want to be one of those typical selfish, self-centered Christians but I just don't like being so unsettled. I feel like we are at crossroads for everything and begging God to show us and tell us what we are supposed to do with everything in our lives. If you are reading, I would covet your prayers and any words of advise or encouragement you have.....or if you think I need to stop complaining you can say that too. I can take it. I know God is good and has been good I just need direction.